"Do you have plans? We're going to need you to stay a little late tonight..."
Everyone at least once in their life has to wake up one day and realize they are working for a bad boss. These horrible overlords are creatures of a darker, work-or-be-killed universe, where only the strong survive because they are willing to work 40 hours a week of unpaid overtime.
"I like to think of it as being proactive."
#1 The Howler
This posterboy for intermittent rage disorder has two settings: “Loud” and “Marine Corps Drill Sergeant on PCP.” Bonus points if his eyes bug out, he turns red and hot spit pelts your face when he blasts you for not restocking the paperclips. Your best bet is to endure the noise until you’re shopping for powertools and handcuffs while looking for places to bury a body in the desert when you get all horror movie up in this biatch.
The Good: At least he isn’t passive aggressive.
The Bad: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE OUT OF PINK STICKY NOTES!!?
"You want to check your email during office hours? Are you crazy?"
#2 The Fossil from 10,000 B.C.
In his day a janitor working 35 hours a week could raise a family of four while the wife stayed at home. He doesn’t realize that the minimum wage has gone up since then...but the price of living has gone up even more. He thinks gasoline is still ten cents a gallon and medical insurance is a communist conspiracy. When you ask for Friday off he tells you of the time he lost an arm in an explosion and still worked a 27-hour shift, staunching the flow of blood with a scarf he created out of his own navel lint.
The Good: At least these bastards are all going to be retired in ten years.
The Bad: By the time they do mad cow disease will be a fringe benefit.
"Just take phone messages and tell my clients I might be in later on today, but if not, I could be in tomorrow or the next week..."
#3 The Non-Boss
Maybe some of your co-workers have met him, but otherwise this boss is as fleeting as a flying saucer and as elusive as the sasquatch. He occasionally calls you, but other than that he is persona non gratis…incognito. Eventually your job begins to feel like an episode of The Twilight Zone, a dadaistic performance art piece, or some obscure French flick.
The Good: Browsing Facebook from 8:30 am to 5:30 pm. has never felt so easy.
The Bad: Can no one fire you for doing nothing for nobody?
"I yell because I DON'T care."
#4 The Ultra Hardcore Retired Military Veteran
This guy fought in in a war somewhere, so expect to make as much in a week as a Saigon whore made in an hour during the year 1971. If you run out of paper while the phones are ringing as you simultaneously juggle sixteen projects that need to be done by 5 p.m., don’t expect a lot of mercy…at your age he was hip-deep in blood, ammo casings and napalm while your weak-ass thinks credit card payments can be rough.
The Good: There isn’t a dress code so you can stick it to The Man.
The Bad: “The copy machine is malfunctioning? We got VC in the water! I thought you said this LZ was secure!? Lay down suppressing fire and fall back squad-by-squad to the Honda Civic!!!”
"Why don't you get Fridays off? I always do!"
#5 The Son of the Boss
Possibly the lowest business life form there is, the Son of the Boss is unqualified and knows it. He’s either a poor surrogate for his father, aping everything the old man says and does, or he’s a total screw-off that steals your good ideas and takes credit for all that you do.
The Good: You could make friends with him, but then he might become The Best Buddy.
The Bad: When that big project drops dead and that bus comes around the corner, expect to be thrown under it when the dad demands a scapegoat.
"I'll sign your paycheck on Monday...I'm late for my golf game."
Treacherous, ambitious and dangerous, Starscream is a pain-in-the-ass to work for because he’s always trying to overthrow the leadership of Megatron, despite the fact that he continually loses against the Autobots. Starscream also despises humans, which would explain the lack of medical insurance, 401K plan and paid vacation. Despite the fact he’s the most ruthless Decepticon, his high-pitched, screechy voice undermines his authority for him.
The Good: Being 31 feet tall and weighing nearly 6 metric tons, he’s easy to hear coming if you’re checking out porn on the Internet.
The Bad: He can fly at Mach 3 so his commute is brief. He’s also probably having sex with your computer.
"I'm scheduling an aspiration statement to arrange aperture moments
so we can e-tize."
#7 The Jargonaught
This boss likes to use every buzzword there is to describe everyday office existence. “You have to be proactive. A self-starter. A go-getter. Now airwire those econometrics extrapediately.” He also likes to talk fast because it makes him seem efficient. “I hate to gazump the new item, but unless you want to be lateraled we’d better make a WAGposte-hasteor we’lllosethatLOMBARD.”
The Good: At least he looks like a manager, since these types believe everything they read in GQ.
The Bad: He’s probably either a LIHOM or a LOMBARD.
"I don't care what my dad says...I like you!"
#8 The Best Buddy
This guy’s friendly demeanor quickly becomes ingratiating. “Hey, dude, let’s hang out this Saturday!” You’d turn him down, but that could lead to reprisal. Friends make requests, but The Best Buddy knows he has the power. The real trick comes when the sadist asks you what you have going on Friday night because he wants to slay your weekend by hitting you with a shift you’ll despise.
The Good: At least he kind of kisses your ass.
The Bad: How long can anyone fake smiling before they feel like that lunatic from the natural male enhancement commercials?
"Did you get the memo? Next week we'll be implementing
a new KRONOS time card system."
#9 Buffalo Bill
Kept naked in a pit while you starve long enough so that your skin might better be harvested to complete his macabre girl costume, this boss spends long hours in his room sewing while you freeze in the mud. Sure, this job is comparable to working at McDonald’s, but at least fast-food jobs pay you an hourly wage.
The Good: If you catch his little dog it might be used against him.
The Bad: “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose!”
"If we abolished minimum wage it would finally free up the nation's job providers."
The new job is weird enough, and you can't believe the beard-and-a-haircut-combo the boss has.
"The new KRONOS time card system is working perfectly...don't you think?"
But the gigantic evil robotic manager really creeps you out. He floats down the hall, silently entering your cubicle to stare over your shoulder while you balance Excel spreadsheets. Talk about a micromanager. That, and the whole spinning-razor-blade appendage thing. Plus, he can kill you with lasers.
The Good: At least he's not a Howler.
The Bad: You just know that deep down inside, if the whole place ever goes to hell that red visor will open and you'll see the crazed eyes of the boss, staring at you forever while you try to photocopy a 300-page report, double-sided, with the collator jamming up on you, and just when have ten more pages to go you run out of toner.
Or maybe he's just multitasking.