Whenever I look at this picture, I am filled with equal parts curiosity and horror.
Christmas is crazy. New Year's Eve is nuts. I've been really busy, taking a break from last year and getting ready for the next, just like everyone else.
You know what song I hate? This one:
What dark and depraved mind composed this sheer Satanism? It's horrible. Even the one, weird, lame joke about Alvin not paying attention. "ALVIN!!!"
Every time I had a bad time Christmas shopping, this damn song was playing somewhere, someplace, like those twisted demon pipers that entertain Azathoth.
Azathoth is mostly active in U.S. politics, and currently
works as a lobbyist for the military-industrial-complex.
I can generally take or leave Christmas songs, just like Christmas shopping. On one hand, it's fun, it's part of the season, and there's a definite culture to both. But let's face it, after five hours, hundreds and hundreds of people crammed in a shopping mall is hell.
All that's missing is a Starbucks.
"Jingle Bells" is mindless fun, kind of like punk rock at it's most basic level. "Silent Night" is kind of like a classic cry-in-my-beer song, because let's face it, as delicate and pretty as it is, it just doesn't rock.
But that damn Alvin and the Chipmunks song is ludicrous. Dude, all they did was put a pack of geeks in a studio and torqued the sound so that three of them would sound high-pitched. Ten seconds later, it's irritating.
As I made my way through strip mall after strip mall, that song would occasionally play, reminding me of all that has been made unholy by evil. I mean, here's this guy, he's desperate, he's just trying to make it, and obviously lacking talent the guy writes a couple of lame songs best composed for selling candy bars, and then proceeds to abuse three tiny animals into chanting his hymns to Mammon.
He even made them wear those fucking sweaters.
I mean, I've worked for some crazy bosses, but Dave is a poster child for intermittent rage disorder. Bro, back off...he's just a chipmunk. Chipmunks don't understand logic, causality or basic music theory. Of course he keeps screwing up his line. Don't psychologically abuse Alvin over it.
I mean, if Alvin was a hamster, fine. Hamsters are usually pets, and don't really exist in the wild. You could probably train a hamster. But a chipmunk is just a squirrel that couldn't afford the tail. Lighten up, he belongs in the forest, not in the Marines.
My point is, Christmas music doesn't have to suck. My snazzy new iPhone and it's headphones saved me many times over from Holiday Madness. Here is a great Christmas song.
Coming up next is an interview with my new favorite electronic band Digitalism, an exclusive, gigantic interview with Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, and even more original comedy.
So until then, Happy Holidays.
Occupy the manger.