Thursday, January 19, 2012

The GOP Horror Election Show - Comedy

Every country has its seasons, and for Americans every election is a Season of Fear. It might be showing up to the polls to vote only to be disenfranchised by cold, calculating, partisan machinations,  or screaming in terror as you watch the economy slashed bloody by corporatist interests, every election season seems less like an expression of democracy and more like a prelude to a night spent naked in a gore-streaked charnel house, stalked by violent, gibbering, radioactive cannibals.

If Obama loses to Electoral College manipulation and voter disenfranchisement this year, which republican monster will end up with their appendage on the button, willing to nuke the American economy until it glows in the dark?

Our first malevolent monster is Rick Perry…

"Mr. President, you need to free up the employers of this country to create jobs...I'm a pro-business governor, I don't make any apologies about it and I will be a pro-business president…for EVIL!!!”

People talk about the “Texas Miracle,” but the only miracle there is that Rick Perry has brought economic ruin and bloodshed to Texas on a level comparable to an Old Testament God.

When told that 234 people had died on death row while under his reign in Texas, Perry’s voice thundered his approval with such passion and devotion audience members clapped…almost as if they didn’t have a choice.

Texas has an unemployment rate of 8.2% under Perry, although they did get a lot of federal, state and local job growth. Well, Lord knows how Texans enjoy some good ol’ fashioned socialism.

Manufacturing job growth under Perry? Down  11.6%. Construction jobs? Down 10.9%. Information jobs? Down 14.5%. That means that if you went to Texas a few years ago to make something, build something or think of something, chances are right now you are financially screwed.

His erratic behavior indicates that cowboy has been on the prarie far too long, and has plumb lost his mind. The natives call it “horse fever,” but I think it’s the first time in twenty years Perry has been around that many people who make less than seven figures a year.

Finally…a spoiled, dumb, rich Texan with big oil connections running the country and protecting us against terrorists? Yeah, right, that worked out last time. Run for your lives! It’s a sequel! It’s a sequel!

So he’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.

Our next creature feature is Rick Santorum. Oh Lord…another right-wing conservative, fundamentalist, religious extremist taking an axe to the civil rights of anything that isn’t a) wealthy, b) white, c) male.

"I voted no on repealing tax subsidies to for companies that move US jobs offshore…for EVIL!"

As hundreds were dead, dying or diseased after Hurricaine Katrina struck New Orleans in 2005, the zany Santorum rambled incoherently, in spite of the death and destruction, about “...people who don't heed those warnings...” and, “...tougher penalties on those who decide...” and, in a line straight out of Nehemeniah, “...understand that there are consequences to not leaving.”

Anyone who’d say anything that didn’t sound depressed or empathetic after such a horrible disaster that took the lives of so many Americans has obviously lost his damn mind, or is serving his own selfish, monetary interests…and doesn’t care if innocent people get in his way.

Sounds like Mitchum’s Preacher from Night of the Hunter to me!

Like most independent registered voters I like Ron Paul. I like the idea of Ron Paul. I agree with him on a lot of the issues. But let’s face it, as much as conservatives complain about a nanny government, someone has to tell corporations not to spray babies with radioactive mercury.

“It’s amazing that people don’t understand that the more the market is involved and the smaller the government, the lower the price, the better the distribution, and the higher the quality...for EVIL!” 

Without a strong federal government to keep the courntry running smoothly despite opposing interests, America would plunge into chaos and life would be a lot like The Road Warrior.

Except it wouldn’t be fuckin’ cool because a, Mel Gibson is racist and thinks the Jews started WWII (because it sure worked out so well for them all) and b, we hit peak oil ten years ago so by the time the country spiraled into mayhem, there’d be no oil, and therefore no gasoline.

Give me the little dog, give me the kid with the razor sharp boomerang, hand me a sawed off double barreled shotgun, but if I can’t have a raging 225 mph death race with souped-up American muscle cars to go with my atomic apocalypse, I’m just not interested.

Ron Paul wants to deregulate and cut and slash and burn down the government until there’s nothing left but you, me, a can of catfood (we ate the cats), nuclear waste-eating mutants and murder.

He scares me because I know right now, 25 miles from my home, demented monsters do want to set me on fire, and all that’s stopping them is 911. So I’ll have to put the brakes on libertarianism until the unemployment rate in America is somewhere near 5%.

The free market is great…if you are a corporation. But while big companies will work against each other to make a profit, they will team-up to screw over workers…and they’d really like you to not have the government to protect you.

Since it would only be a matter of time before violent, radioactive cannibals kicked in your door and ate and raped you, Ron Paul is The Hills Have Eyes.

When Romney smiles and speaks to the humans around him, his eyes get wider, his smile gets bigger, and he starts to move erratically, as if he doesn’t know how to really be a person.

"Corporations are people too, my friend." 
(This quote is pure evil.)

Romney is really just a vast array of corporate interests, disguised as a person. If you chopped off his arm, it would crawl away and become a Wal-Mart.

The fact that Romney is for and against abortion, for and against socialized medicine, for and against slicing people’s thumbs open and saving their blood to put in a petri dish to expose to heated metal in order to see if it’s a murdering extraterrestrial life form, and for and against any issue that might require him to take a stand on an issue is enough to make me cringe when I think about him running the country.

I’ll be honest. I’m not trying to make this a character assassination. I’m tryting to stick to the issues, but deep down inside, as an educated, independent voter, I am deeply concerned that should Romney win the election, he’ll suddenly smile too wide, let out a long, metallic drone, and pass out.

Medics will crowd around him to resuscitate. The cameras will record all the action. Secret Service members will freeze, terrified, uncertain, and then…

So, Anderson Cooper, do you think this is going to 
hurt his chances in the next caucus?

Even Kratuz Fitzhammer has to admit that if everyone saw that on live television, the Dow Jones Industrial Average would drop by 500 points, at least.

So you know who Mitt Romney is...

Herman Cain says he’s the CEO of Godfather’s pizza. You know what? The Godfather is one of my favorite films. Francis Ford Copolla, a courageous artist who created a masterpiece. Al Pacino, before he became Scarface for the rest of his acting career.

"Don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the big banks. If you don't have a job and 
you are not rich, blame yourself…for EVIL!"

There wasn’t a single damn pizza in the entire series, my friend. I even watched the director’s commentary on DVD, and they didn’t even so much as order a pizza. The Godfather has no pizza!

That makes Herman Cain a liar. Plus, I bet Godfather’s pizza doesn’t give it’s employees medical insurance. Finally, he even admitted he’s related to the Koch brothers.

Call me weird but Cain doesn’t look like he’s related to two caucasian billionaires, so there’s only one reason: he was put together in a factory out of spare corpses and any lame term a board of executives thinks conservatives would enjoy.

Then, they programmed their creation to be as pro-business as possible. Finally, they raised their dream candidate from the graveyard of dead financial theories using General Electric and voodoo economics. So Cain is...

One day, a woman named Michele Bachmann, who believed that women everywhere should have the same rights as men, despite race, color, creed, sexual orientation, religion or sound fiscal stability, went to sleep next to a mysterious plant from another galaxy.

When she woke up, she became:

What I mean is, she’s one of the pod people from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. When she talks, it’s like a series of G8 talking points spliced together with sound bites from the Fox News Channel.

She’s also one of those creepy religious types that always insist that they are religious. I mean, I’m religious, but I don’t go around chanting to strangers about it. What if I told you I wasn’t a cannibal? Ok, you’d buy it, right?

But what if I insisted, over and over again, that I wasn’t a cannibal. I mean, I went on about it, to the magazines, to the newspapers, on television, the Internet, cable, etc. After a while, you’d wonder if I was a cannibal, especially if my eyes stayed wide open all the time and I never blinked.

What I mean is, while I do believe Michelle Bachmann is a cannibal, I don’t believe she’s a Christian. She’s just a mouthpiece for the Tea Party, which is a mouthpiece for the Koch brothers, who are a mouthpiece for the corporate dominated Republican party, who are a mouthpiece for Satan.

"It's no big deal, I'm just hanging out here, all alone, keeping quiet. For evil."

He’s a Republican that votes for the same issue Republicans always vote for that just destroy the American economy.

But mostly, Jon Huntsman is just quiet. As Cain, Romney and Perry repeatedly jump on every grenade they can, he silently stays in the darkness, almost resting for the proper moment to strike.

Like the rest of the Republican party, despite the fact he technically works for Obama as an Ambassador to China, he’s still firmly committed to making sure that his boss is a one-term president.

So that means Huntsman is a public servant working for tax payer money, but isn’t actually doing anything except drinking deep from the coffers and growing stronger as his opposition is drained dry.

So he's Dracula.

When somebody told me Ginrich was trying to run for president, I banged my head against the wall to make sure it wasn’t the 90’s. What is with this deranged monster?

"You are not going to get job creation when you engage in class warfare because 
you have to attack the very people you hope will create jobs. By the way, I'M EVIL."

Nothing stops him. He repeats so much deceptive corporatist dogma that Goebbels wants to sue him for copyright infringement, and still he keeps coming.

Like him and the rest of the party he represents, it’s just the same old slasher flick. He wins a political office, kills everything in the budget that doesn’t benefit the millionaire lobbyists who put him there, and then in the third act he’s taken out by some scandal or election only to show up for another sequel.

Ginrich, retire. Go away. It’s over.

Every years hundreds of thousands of uninformed, undereducated, cheated drones watch the Fox News Channel, listen to Rush Limbaugh, think that the same CEO’s that poison children and torture third world workers that attempt to unionize actually gives a damn about justice, liberty, and anything that doesn’t make a profit, no matter what, so they go out and mindlessly vote for the candidate they are ordered to vote for, and the rest of us suffer for it.

 "People ask me, 'What are you going to do to develop jobs in your state?' 
Well, that's not my job as a U.S. senator…for EVIL!"
-U.S. Senator Sharron Angle, Tea Party favorite and experienced necromancer.

Steve Colbert once said, “Reality has a liberal bias.” I don’t have anything against Republicans, I just don’t like the uninformed ones. If you are a Democrat who votes for Nancy Pelosi because she is a Democrat, you are dumb.

But the Tea Party has proven over and over again that they don’t know that their entire movement is motivated by the Koch brothers. Like evil necromancers from a cheesy sword & sorcery flick, they manipulated millions of dollars to manipulate millions of soulless, racist, greedy, uneducated, selfish bigots…and the nightmarish horde ate everyone with a brain in the Republican Party.

There’s a few Republican politicians that are still holed up in an attic or a mall, armed to the teeth but deathly afraid that the Tea Party zombie horde doesn’t realize they believe in a) equal rights, b) maybe corporations shouldn’t control the government, and c) perhaps President Obama was, indeed, born in America. So they stay quiet, afraid of being labeled a moderate and ending up horrifically devoured by evil horde.

Plus, not to sound weird about this, but every Tea Party convention I’ve ever seen is so white it may as well be full of marshmallows. I have nothing against caucasians…check out my profile picture.

What's with those kooky glasses?
And what's wrong with his hair!!?

I’m an odd pale blue color, so I will always appreciate the kindness white people have shown me, but the Tea Party has pretty much proven, over and over again, that unless you are a really xenophobic, rich white man who belongs to one particular religion on a planet full of thousands of alternative religions and philosophies, the politics of the Tea Party probably aren’t for you.

Plus, if one bites you really hard, you get sick, die, wake up, and all you want to do is attack people who don’t support the Tea Party because they have braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!!!

If Lady Liberty is a woman, Citizens United is a very hard punch in her right boob. Ever since this controversial Supreme Court decision, the untold billions of dollars have flooded the coffers of politicians everywhere…so politicians must be smarter than we think.


How much can you donate to a politicians to compel him to serve your interest? $100? $250? Well too bad, cheapskate, because JPMorgan Chase & Co. donated $808,799 to Obama in 2008. CitiGroup, Inc. donated $736,771.

$298 million dollars went to campagin contributions in 2010, half of it undisclosed, which means that the money could come from, a) terrorists, b) foreign countries who never were and never will be democratic, and c) the Joker.

...or maybe we're looking at a possible 3rd party candidate for 2012?

But the joke is, banks, corporations and rich people will always have more money than anyone else, especially if they team up and choose candidates that will represent their interests.

Sure, a politician could try to play honest and ignore donations from corporations that would gladly trade a healthy American economy for enough money to retire to Europe, but running commericals on Channel 1081 at 3:00 am (Pacific) is no way to get elected in the modern era.

With polticians so blatantly bought and sold by private interests the joke isn’t even funny anymore, it’s time to go all the way.

What disapoints me is the missed chance to explore a whole new iconography. The U.S.S. John F. Kennedy could be repainted a brilliant metallic crimson, with “Coca-Cola” emblazoned on the side. Abrams tanks could have advertisements for Exxon. Police department body armor could have Chase and Bank of America logos.

Maybe it’s happened already, and we just need a special pair of eyeglasses to see it, just like in the movie They Live.

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