Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving Horror Feast! - Comedy

The family gathered around the sacrificial plate. The beast was dead. Its corpse lay strewn across the table, next to the implements of devouring. Victuals were presented. Libations were poured. The massacre was over. Let the gore-feast begin!

All relatives understand that during Thanksgiving Day, the less you talk to each other, the better it will be for everyone. After stuffing myself to the point of a diabetic coma it’s either speak to an in-law or see what Netflix gave my mailbox for me.   
Instead of being forced to listen to all the spicy details of my grand-aunt’s exciting new hysterectomy, I like to watch…

#5 Black Christmas (1974)

A murdering psychopath (are there any other kind?) sneaks into the attic of a big sorority house and slays the young women inside one by one. Thanks to Bob Clark, the same director of A Christmas Story (the one about the little kid with the glasses who wants a Red Ryder BB Gun) this flim utilizes darkness, suspense and the cold fear of a lunatic with a knife staring at you from the crack of an open window at 1:00 a.m. to make you afraid of the night.

The Drinking Game: Any time the anonymous killer starts screaming, ranting or babbling to himself, knock one back. Some people really need to just take their Lithium.

Zone Out When: The police are pretty damn stupid in this one, just like they are in every horror flick. Whenever the cops start talking to each other, feel free to go back for seconds.

#4 The Hitcher (1984)

C. Thomas Howell is driving alone down a long, deserted highway somewhere in the American midwest, and picks up a hitchiker played by Rutger Hauer. Unfortunately, Hauer likes to murder every single person who picks him up hitchhiking, so of course there is a mild difference of opinion. 

Howell spends the rest of this movie in a cat-and-lunatic game with a killer who is willing to whack anyone in a movie where nobody is safe…and starts to get a little killer with his own instincts.

The Drinking Game: Whenever Haur kills someone and you didn’t expect it, celebrate!

Zone Out When: Howell tends to spend a lot of this film so horrified that all he can do is bug his eyes out and stare. Ok, we get it, you’re scared…I’m going to go get another beer.

#3 Zombie (1979)

I know what you’re thinking. “Not another zombie flick.” Trust me, this gruesome little marvel, directed by Italian horror film director Lucio Fulci, is about a bunch of dumb tourists who go to the wrong island and end up meeting a lot of zombies, but the film goes far beyond what you'd expect from a 70's horror flick. 

Zombie asks two essential questions: One, if a shark and a flesh-eating, animated corpse got into a fight, who would win? Two, if a massive army of zombies attacked your cabin, and all you had were dozens of Molotov cocktails, wouldn’t that be fucking cool?

The Drinking Game: Every time a zombie kills someone, it’s Miller time!

Zone Out When: The first 15 minutes are nonsensical, and you can safely ignore anything those idiots do until the woman goes snorkling, where at last the film picks up as she gets to witness the shark vs. zombie matchup. Let’s get it on!

#2 Aliens (1986)

James Cameron scored fifty touchdowns with this magnum opus that answers two questions you always end up asking yourself as you watch a horror film: Why don’t these people just unleash a little 2nd Amendment justice and blow the monsters away with the biggest firearms they can wield? Or, if that is not sufficient, why not just leave and nuke the site from orbit, just to be sure?

Ripley, played by Sigorney Weaver, is the sole survivor of a crew of deep space engineers that got eaten by an alien. She travels out to a planet where there are more of these damn things, but this time she has a spaceship, space marines, space guns and even a cyborg, played by Lance Henriksen. Of course, things don’t work out so well and the body count starts to rise like the mercury on a humid summer’s day in Alabama.

The Drinking Game: You can either take a shot everytime someone turns around and notices just a little too late that an alien is about to eat them and gets killed, or you can just drink two Irish Carbombs back-to-back when Bill Paxton freaks out.

Zone Out When: Just like it’s bad form whenever you go to church, or to a wedding, to not pay a moderate amount of polite attention to what’s going on, it is customary to show the same courtesy when watching Sigorney Weaver kick alien ass. 
However, I think we are all adult enough to recognize that Paul Reiser’s haircut is absolutley ridiculous.

"I really hate combs...and I can't stand hairspray."

#1 Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

The top of the list is Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a low-budget masterpiece by terror icon Tobe Hooper, who later directed Poltergeist. A group of zany college kids decide to stop by a deserted house in the middle of nowhere and get murdered by a family of good ‘ol boy, down-home country cannibals.

While the slasher genre has been done many times over, this film did it first, using a grainy, documentary-style cinematograpy, and life-like special effects, to give the unfolding nightmare (loosely based on the murders committed by serial killer Ed Gein) complete plausibility.   

The Drinking Game: Whenever Leatherface butchers somebody, take a shot of Old Grand-Dad.

Zone Out When: When the college kids all start talking to each other, there’s some really bad acting going on, so you may as well hit up the restroom.

The close-up of the woman’s eyeball as she screams for what feels like a half-an-hour is also worth going to the fridge to get a beer over, unless you happen to be an optometrist who’s really in to eye porn.

"You appear to have a mild infection. I suggest saline solution 
and avoiding murderous cannibals with power tools."

No comments:

Post a Comment